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The Internet is a wonderous thing. Sometimes I think about life before Internet (LBI) and wonder how we did it. How did we live without the beauteous things that only the Interwebs can provide? Oh, right, infomercials. But really, can you see the infomercials for these?
HotDoll, The ULTIMATE sex toy for your dog!
Suffer not the embarrassment of your doing going to town on your guest’s legs, now your dog can hump a duck-like doll for your guests amusement! WINNAR!
Profiles in Wood
Do you love someone so much you can’t stand being away from them? Well, now you can have their profile sitting on your desk at work disguised as a vase!
No need for baby pictures, when someone asks to see a picture of your babe, show ‘em your vase!
Yeah, I see no problems here. Let’s give drunk people some sharp blades on a gas motor. no injuries here.
Subtle Butt Disposable gas neutralizers
Yes, you read that correctly. I’d provide a picture but really, they’re just a grey square.
Just velcro these 3.25″ little squares into your skivvies and break wind like a wild man. Now if only they could go more eco-friendly and make reuseable ones… and of course one for dogs… hmm
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Hello all,
Not sure if Funny Friday will be a theme here or not, we’ll see how life goes. But I did have this one in my head for a while, so let’s see where it takes us, shall we?
This one is simple really. For each movie, this is an unfilmed scene where the character is thinking aloud about how to deliver a key line in the movie. Maybe the character is driving over to where the scene will take place. Maybe they’re sitting in the cantina trying to work it out. Point is, how many people really just wing important speechs? And are we to believe they really came up with them on the spot? No way! Here are some instances as I believe they happened. In some instances I’ll work to the key line, in others it’s implied. I think they’ll all be pretty obvious, and with luck, humorous. Let me know what you think. Thanks and enjoy!
The Terminator
“I’ll return. I’ll come back to this place. I’ll revisit at a later time. I’ll be back someday. I’ll be back.”
Star Wars 5, Empire Strikes Back
“Luke, I’m your dad. *pause* Of course it’s possible, Luke. Look, Jedi’s have needs. And your mom, wow, well, let’s just say she can suck the midichlorians from a gundar’s cells from across the room. If of course, gundars had midichlorians. My point is, you’re my son. And as my son, I demand you obey. Or I’ll send you to your room without supper. And what’s this I hear about you kissing your sister. That’s just wrong, son. Even if she is hot.”
The Godfather
“I have an offer you can take it or leave it. But really, I would take it if I were you.”
James Bond
“I’m Jimmy Bond. I’m Jim Bond. I’m Jimmy and my word is my Bond. I’m Jimmy Bond, and like my name I’ll stick to you like glue, baby. Jimmy, Jimmy Bond. Bond, Jimmy Bond. Bond, James Bond.”
Jaws
“That’s a big-assed F-in shark. That shark is going to shallow us whole. There’s no way we should be out here in this dingy. You may call this a boat, but to that shark it’s an appetizer. You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
The Wizard of Oz
“There’s no place like Kansas. There’s no place like my room. There’s no place like Uncle Seymour’s dungeon. There’s no place like Mel’s Diner. You know, there’s just no place like home.”
Dirty Harry
“Try it and I kill you. Just give me a reason to bust a cap in yo’ ass. Please do it, I need to fill my kill quota. Go ahead. I dare you. I double dare you. I double dog dare you.”
It’s a Wonderful Life
“Happy Solstice Bedford Falls! Happy Kwaanza! Happy Hanukkah goyims!”
“Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings”
“Yeah, well, every time Daddy takes a shot of bourbon a seven foot invisible rabbit tells him to burn things.”
“What was that daddy?”
“Oh, um. That’s right. That’s right. Attaboy, Clarence.”
Forrest Gump
“Mama said life was like a box of chocolates. If you leave it in the sun it gets all chewy and melty and messy. That’s why she kept me locked in my room for 20 years.”
Casablanca
“Here’s looking at you, Bitch.”
The Princess Bride
Conversation between the Bishop and the King…
“What? I have to marry Prince Humperdinck and that beautiful chick? No way, he’s always been a dick to me. Remember that time he replaced my holy water?”
“You have to marry him. I order you.”
“But my liege. *sigh* please don’t make me.”
“You must. I insist.”
“Fine. But if I have to do it, I’m using my annoying baby voice. And I’m using the long version of the vows. Screw him.”
“As you wish.”
“Wait, my liege.. I do not think it means what you think it means..”
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I used to drink a lot of Mountain Dew when I was younger, but I was never a big Pepsi fan– Coke always did it for me. But when Pepsi announced it was releasing natural sugar soda, I had to try it.
And you know what, I liked it. A lot. Too much, for a reformed junk food addict. But it was very smooth and just had a nice flavor to it.
The Mountain Dew, not so much. The flavor was better, I’ll admit. But I grew to not like the mouthfeel of MD, and it hasn’t changed. Plus, the thought of drinking vegetable oil (used to keep everything in suspension, I once read) is just a huge turn off for me. Yeah, they probably don’t use much at all, but it’s enough.
However, my wife loves the new Mountain Dew. Which of course means that no one around here carries it anymore. Seriously. The stores all have 12 pks of Pepsi Throwback, but no MD– not even empty slots showing that they had some and it sold out. They just vanished. Nothing new for us, I’m still pining for the Dr Pepper’s Red Fusion that I *loved* and just went away. Actually, it’s probably a really good thing it went away, I was drinking serious amounts of the stuff.
Oh, and I think Pepsi dropped the ball with the name– while I “get” it, it’s too close to Pepsi Throwup, not something you really want attached to your brand.
So, if you like soda and colas in general, I would recommend trying some. They say it’s just a summer thing, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it stays around longer, and Coke comes up with one as well– Coke Classic. Oh wait… Coke Retro–
Retro Coke. With real cocaine.
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Hey hey. I know it’s been a while. I can’t tell you how many times a day I think “hey, I need to update my blog” and then never get around to it. Between family, school and writing (!) (oh, and the occasional Plants vs. Zombies sessions) the hours are spoken for.
But, I finally found some time this nice Sunday morning to announce that the Thuglit Anthology Sex, Thugs and Rock & Roll is now available for your purchasing pleasure. You can find it here, as well as many other places.
Inside said anthology you will find a short piece by me, Killing Billy Blain. YOu know, at first I was torn at the idea of having this piece in the anthology (I know, what am I mental? Well, yes.) I think it’s a good example of where I was as a writer in 2004 (when it was written), but not wholly accurate as to what I can do now. The style is very similar to today, of course, but I read KBB now and there are so many things I would’ve changed about the story, from major things to tiny grammatical errors.
With that said though, there are some interesting (to me, anyway) coincidences regarding KBB and this anthology.
– Also in this anthology is a story by Scott Wolven. Scott Wolven was a creative writing professor I had for two classes during my undergrad at Binghamton University, an intermediate CW course and a detective fiction course. I spent many an hour (much to his dismay, I’m sure) in his office hours talking writing.
– KBB was written after my classes with SW, so he never read it. It was written for a website that he had talked about in his detective fiction course, Plots with Guns. PWG was run by Anthony Neil Smith, who also has a story in this anthology. He rejected KBB.
– KBB made the rounds quite a bit before being picked up by Thuglit. I got more than one, “I was torn on this, but I think we’re going to have to pass” emails. I even got one “I have to think on it, but right now I would venture to say that yes, I will accept KBB. I’ll email you with the final decision this weekend” only to have the next email say that he tried to get it in but just couldn’t, and he was sorry.
– This one is a bit sketchy. In my tattered brain, I recall Sarah Weinman being one of the editors that was close to publishing KBB, but passed. She wrote the introduction for the anthology. (And if I’m misremembering, my apologies. If it means anything, I hold this memory in high regard.)
Okay, I think that’s everything. It’s time to get off the laptop before the kids kill each other. We’ll be in touch soon.
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) For Reference, Codex is the name of the character the videos are to be sent to.
